Bittersweet Symphony

^Now I can’t stop thinking about Cruel Intentions. Okay get serious, you guys, this post is HEAVY.

Today, after nearly 18 months, the court terminated reunification services for both birth parents.

While this is positive news, I don’t feel like celebrating much because:

1. There are still so many hurdles before adoption. Birth Father (BF) can file a 388 petition before our TPR hearing scheduled in November that will contest the court’s latest decision and delay the termination of parental rights. And once parental rights are terminated, he can appeal the decision, which may take six months to a year to resolve. Between now and November, we continue with visitation and, if he is on his best behavior (i.e., consistent, “quality” visits), there is still a chance for reunification with him. We assume he will do all in his power to fight––wouldn’t you? We haven’t heard from Birth Mother since May. I think about her often, and she absolutely breaks my heart. I am so glad I took pictures of her and her son at our last visit to share with him one day.
2. The decision was SO close, and came down to a matter of timing and federal laws. Babe’s lawyer feels incredible compassion for BF, as do I, which leads me to number three…
3. It does not feel good to take someone’s biological child away from them. Ultimately, this man has done nothing abhorrent. He does not have a history of violence, drug use, or sexual abuse, which would (sickeningly) make this so much easier. He DID make poor choices with his wife that did not protect his children or put them first, landing him in this position. And then, of course, he didn’t fulfill his case plan to the judge’s standards in the time allotted. You quickly realize just how subjective the judicial system is, and it’s hard to reconcile the ideas placed in our heads during Resource Parent training about the system’s bias toward reunification when there are so many roadblocks in place for birth parents. The truth is, he often missed visits because he needed to support himself. How is any birth parent supposed to meet the criteria of up to NINE hours a week of court-ordered visitation while keeping a job and maintaining safe housing? It’s clear that he loves his son and wants the best for him. In fact, visitations have selfishly become harder for me of late because the LO now enjoys seeing his BF, rather than bursting into tears. Do I believe some of this has to do with the sugary snacks and TV not allowed in my house? Yes. Am I ultimately glad that they are happy together? Yes. Does it still hurt like a mother fucker? Also Yes.

I’ve shared the above sentiments with a few close friends. One of my dear friends and mentors said “I can understand the bittersweet feeling, but he is safe and happy with you–that’s what he needs and deserves.” This just really resonated with me. As parents, all we want is for our children to be safe and happy. This child was not safe in his previous situation. And his BF didn’t do enough to prove that the situation could change. That’s it. That’s all there is. And it’s a harder story to explain to the little one than something more straightforward like drug abuse, but we will deal with that in time.

This was not my fault or my doing, as much as I fancy myself a witch. I will tend to the guilt I feel through self care, therapy, and WRITING. Let’s give it up for blogs, the unsung heroes! Xoxox.