Congratulations?

Last Friday, on LO’s second birthday, parental rights were terminated for both birth parents.

It’s a strange sensation when something you’ve been manifesting for so long finally comes to fruition. I still don’t think I’ve fully processed this new reality, even a week later. But here are the details to try and ground me…

Father testified on Thursday. He described personal elements of his childhood that I won’t divulge here. While I’m proud of him for doing the first step of acknowledging his own trauma, he unfortunately failed to express how he would translate what he’d learned about himself to stop the cycle of abuse for his children. He also failed to take any responsibility for the removal of his children from his care, and basically threw the entire system under the bus (I mean, I get that part). Multiple times he mentioned the bond between him and his son, based almost exclusively on carne asada. Note, this man did not change a diaper for the last two years and spent the majority of his visits watching Cocomelon.

On Friday, each party shared their closing arguments. Mother’s counsel noted that while she didn’t wish to come between her son and his father, she did believe me to be the best option for him at this time. LO’s attorney agreed, after commending Father on his efforts, which ultimately produced a “changing” status, but not a “changed” status, as required for the .388 hearing to reinstate reunification services.

Through all of this, I sat at my kitchen table darting from one Zoom tile to the next trying to read people’s expressions. My leg would not stop twitching. As the final outcome became clear, gentle tears started rolling down my face. This felt inappropriate and I tried to hide my emotion as best I could. The judge read her ruling quickly and swiftly and we were promptly disconnected from the video call. And then, I took my first true, deep breath in 24 months.

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Do you celebrate the end of a war? The finalization of a divorce? The finishing of a prison sentence? I suppose in some sense, yes. But it’s laced with sorrow, a mourning for all that was lost through the experience and all that will forever be changed by it.

In telling close friends, family, and even my support group I was met with hearty congratulations. But the truest response came via text from an old college friend in NY: Wowwww. Congrats! It’s a little sad tho!!?

He was actually scolded by his partner for this response, lol, but I didn’t mind it. It IS sad. It’s fucking sad.

Of course I’m elated that the court placed LO’s best interest above all else, but this also comes with a crushing responsibility. Will I be better? Logically, I know the answer is yes (the bar was devastatingly low) but I’m already playing through the teenage years and this being thrown in my face. Bring it on, I suppose. I’ve been through it all, little boy. I can take it 💪.

Seeing the birth parents at visitation this week was brutal. Neither fully understood that rights had been terminated and cried uncontrollably. Father said he didn’t understand, as he did everything he was supposed to do. He left the visit early in a bit of a huff and claimed he was busy the following week, after being offered additional visitation (the right to visitation is also waived with TPR). Mother and I agreed to continue with weekly virtual visits as she completes her rehabilitation program. I truly hope this news doesn’t derail her progress. She seems to be doing well and I confirmed with her that I’ve meant what I’ve said over the past year — so long as it’s healthy and safe for all parties involved, I do believe in the importance of keeping them in LO’s life and facilitating continued visitations and communication. LO’s attorney requested that we participate in a consortium, which is basically a mediated discussion to agree to post-adoption terms. Part of me thinks Father is in an all-or-nothing mindset. We’ll see if he turns around. I hope so, for LO’s sake.

I learned today that Father has appealed the court’s termination of rights, which will delay but (hopefully) not derail the adoption process. This feels like all new territory. I’ve become so accustomed to the fear and trauma of this journey that losing it puts me on edge. I’m not sure where to focus my energy now. LO has a wonderful way of pulling me back into the moment — today it was peeing on my foot.

Wishing you all a pee-filled moment of clarity. Xoxo.