New Year, Who Dis?

Baby turns 2 next week, the same day as his Father’s court hearing to reinstate reunification services from the county in the morning and, if that isn’t granted, the .26 hearing to terminate parental rights in the afternoon.

Grounds for reinstating reunification services include: (1) a change in circumstance for the parent and (2) best interest for the child. It’s unclear how the judge will rule. I’m learning to practice patience and letting go of what cannot be controlled (and even some of what can be controlled). Am I paraphrasing the AA creed?

The .26 hearing requires birth parents to be served in person 45 days prior. Birth Mother did not appear at the last hearing in November. In fact, her counsel didn’t even know her whereabouts at the time. A few days later, we discovered that she’d been incarcerated and recently transferred to yet another rehabilitation center. The center acted as a gatekeeper for so long that DCFS ended up missing the 45-day mark. I was furious and judgmental. I believed everyone to be incompetent and lacking empathy. To them, this is a job. To me, this is my life. And my life has been on hold for 2 years. Delaying this .26 hearing further delays permanency for the little one and delays my ability to breathe. Later, I learned from a DCFS supervisor that the centers are so strict with visitors because many of the women are victims of abuse or trafficking and their identities must be protected. So then of course the guilt came piling on and I was, once again, reminded of how quick I am to judge…

Before LO came into my life, I spoke to several different parents about their experiences:

One single mom told me that her son spent most weekends with his nanny. And I remember thinking, “How selfish. How lazy. How indulgent.” Now, as I meet the terrible twos head on, I think “How nice.”

I’d asked a former colleague and new mom how she balanced motherhood and her career. She told me, “you’ll never do both at 100%.” And I remember thinking, “How is this true? That certainly won’t be me. I give 110% to everything I do. Anything less is a failure.” Now, as I parent solo in the middle of a pandemic, I think “How sad that you burned yourself out so quickly.” This came to a head last week when I spent multiple nights up til 10 or 11 pm finishing projects, snapped at my LO for fussing when I later realized he had a 102 degree teething fever, ended up in urgent care because of difficulty breathing (not COVID), and topped it all off with a car accident because I was rushing (minor, I’m fine). I’ve been moving too quickly while juggling a million balls in the air. And I still don’t ask for help enough.

Another single adoptive mom said she hadn’t seriously dated in the seven years she’d had her son. And I remember thinking, “How lonely. She must be so sad.” Now, as I enjoy the freedoms of raising a child on my own, I think “How brave to fully commit to the life you want rather than what’s expected of you.” I thought about hiring a matchmaker in 2022, but I might put that money toward a nanny, instead.

In conclusion, my New Year’s resolution will be to stop being so bloody judgmental — against others AND myself. We’re all just doing the best we can, man ::inhales joint::

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I don’t know what next week will hold, so I’ll focus on my LO’s birthday party — Chugga Chugga Two Two themed — and having our family and friends together to celebrate him. He is so loved.

There’s still a chance that Birth Mother may waive her rights to the 45-day notice. We’ve held a few virtual visits and she’s genuinely pleased that her son is in my care. We’ve also spoken once more about an open adoption, as well as my intentions to build relationship with all of her sons. At this, she wept. I hope I am able to do this for her, and LO.

Praying to Beyonce and all the other goddesses that 2022 brings an end to this chapter of my life. What I wouldn’t give to only have to fret over the normal parent things like potty training, biting, and ensuring that I’m the cool mom of the group 🙏